Tuesday, August 19, 2003 :::
When controversy is not controversy...
I hate to get all Mr. Dictionary* on you, but I think its time we take a break to establish the meaning of the word controversy.
1. A dispute, especially a public one, between sides holding opposing views. See Synonyms: argument.
2. The act or practice of engaging in such disputes: writers skilled at controversy.
So, after reading this definition you can see there is a commonality between them, namely a dispute or the clashing of opposing viewpoints. Faction One thinks Miller Lite is less filling, which makes the blood of Faction Two boil over because they have lab-tested proof that it tastes great. You've got two or more factions, opposing suppositions, and vocalization of said difference. Add it all up and you got yourself a controversy.
Important to note here... if you do not satisfy these criteria you have no controversy. I will give you an example.
Fox television wants you to watch a television show. They produce the show and then set about selling advertisement space in that show's time slot. Media buyers need to be sure that there is going to be enough eyeballs on the screen to justify the big bucks they will have to spend. Fox wants to make sure there will be enough Nielsen eyeballs watching so they can show media buyers that the dollars are justified. Problem... the show sucks and other than people who would rather watch bad T.V. than do something meaningful with themselves, nobody is going to be tuning in. So... Fox has two choices. They can tell the media buyers "you know, this show really kinda sucks, you might want to consider buying ad time on a program that people will watch, maybe one of those reality-dating-'meet my parents'-'eat poisonous cockroaches'-'you stole my boyfriend, you slut'-'it's a game and you gotta play strategy' kind of shows that seems so popular these days." The other option is to take the money and shamelessly hype the show in such a way that you feel like you will be missing a major event in the evolution of the human race, one that will be debated by historians as the exact moment in the development of our species where we shifted into a higher state of consciousness. Enter the "controversy"
T.V. marketing folks are the biggest repeat offenders. They like to call shows about reasonably benign issues or topics controversial in order to make the program appear more interesting or groundbreaking. The hope here is to drive more Nielsen eyeballs to the tube...etc, etc. This tactic has always seemed rather odd to me considering that, for the most part, episodes of TV shows that are not re-runs (the only times Nielsen eyes really matter) have never been seen and are airing for the first time. This sort of violates the criteria of controversy because no one has seen the episode. A critic or two, maybe, but those guys are mostly frustrated wannabe TV-writers who could never get the pilot episode of their Serial Killer Sitcom made so they are more likely going to be focused on picking the show apart with a snooty "I could do better" as the sub-text. They are not really on the lookout for controversy. So where's the second faction? Where is the opposing viewpoint that says "Hey, you can't do that on Television you pack of Godless liberals?" Nowhere, there is no second faction, just a room full of TV marketing copywriters with zero skill to innovate that think by attaching the label of "controversial" people will tune in.
Here's a hint: if you are being sold a controversy, there is no controversy. Real controversy finds its way to you and doesn't need the disembodied voice of a network announcer to foretell its arrival.
* Mr. Dictionary( or Ms to be fair) is that person who starts out speeches, impassioned pleas, or advertisements for grocery stores with the terribly tacky "Mr. Webster defines 'blank' as 'blank'. For reasons that escape me they think that this is witty and charming. It's really dumb-talk not to mention ineloquent.
::: posted by Mike at 9:13 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003 :::
A Note About Your Children...
WARNING: I do not have children. I am not a parent. I have never gone through the associated actions of conception, gestation, labor, or birth. I do not possess the biological imperative at this point in my life to copulate with the intention to procreate. I don’t like the sounds of crying, I don’t like getting up early on weekends, I don’t like being anchored and unable to travel on a whim, and I do not like being strapped for cash. As of the writing of this post I am 29, childless, and selfish, selfish, selfish. I do not wish to share my home, my time, my wife, or my cash with a being of dubious and intermittent joy that requires me to deny myself the things I want. So, if you are a parent and you think that you are to be afforded some kind of special dispensation because you have managed an act that any crack-addicted welfare case can do, you are reading the wrong website and you should probably close your browser now- or at the very least go to some website that is all about parenting- because I will likely offend you and cause you to spew forth the same admonishment and self-important mantra that comes falling out of your face every time someone without a child objects to your fascination, obsession, and idol-worship of your children… you’ll understand when YOU have kids. Translation: when you finally experience the miracle that is childbirth, when you finally join the ranks of PARENT you hedonistic, self-obsessed, non-contributor, then YOU will UNDERSTAND just how important the CHILDREN are to the FUTURE. Well, my answer to that is… BULLSHIT. You and Whitney go sell that self-evidencing “children are the future” crap to the same people who listen to Celine Dion and take their babies to the J C Penny photo studio every time it grows a new strand of fucking hair, because I’m not buyin’ it…
Ok, that being said let me explain something to you. Few people give a shit about your children. Statistically, if you took the whole of the population and compared it with the number of people that actually give a shit about YOUR children, the resulting infinitesimal decimal of minute and meaningless data would be rounded down to zero. It’s the same as you, the same as me. Using the same methodology, I am not particularly loved. You are not all that special, either. And most of us don’t campaign on the assumption that people would love us if they were only properly exposed to the greatness of us. We just simply stick to the folks that we know give a shit about us and we call it a day. Kids should be no different.
The only people who really and truly want to see your children are people you know very well, and even then, there are rules to exposure. Random strangers, folks at the office, people you might have known casually but haven’t had a real conversation of substance with in a long time, if ever, these people do not care about what your kids look like, talk like, the CUTE anything they DO, the CUTE anything they say, or how advanced they are compared to some chart complied with data of retarded baby monkeys just to make parents feel better. News Flash: Doctors lie. They need your insurance dollars to pay for their boat and the tits on the mistress, so they will tell the obsessive parent over-reaching for validation and praise that their baby is smarter, taller, more advanced, better adjusted, and more acutely aware than any child in history. They lie to you, they lied to the parent before you, and they will lie to at least five more parents before their tee time after lunch.
Now all of this goes DOUBLE for all the parents out there that have thought it a real keen thing to do to use their children in advertising their company. They have somehow misunderstood the power of children to sell. First of all, it has to be a kid-related product. Babies that sell diapers: O.K. Toddlers that sell juice for toddlers: O.K. But kids that sell fixed rate mortgages, variable rate life insurance, minivans, pharmaceuticals directed at the curing of crotch rot, trips to anyplace that is not Disney World, or financial services for lifestyle or estate planning: NOT O.K. Second, you can’t use YOUR children! You are the only person who considers your children cute, talented, or engaging enough to shill products. Everyone else just thinks they are ugly, talentless children in an ill-fitting situation. Leave this kind of work to that breed of super-children bred to advertise and who know that if they fail to achieve the required emotional level to sell medicated foot powder their mommy won’t love them anymore.
Truth is my parents loved me. They never worshiped me, idolized me, and often didn’t even know my whereabouts most of the time. They did not center their existence on whether or not I was adequately entertained. I got no birthday parties. I never had a professional picture taken of me that wasn’t that once a year picture arranged by the school. I never got to pick what we watched on TV. I was never told I was special. I was never told that I was a miracle of the womb. They loved me, taught me right from wrong, and instilled me with virtues consistent with the social mores of America. End of duty, job, and responsibility.
Ok, That’s it. Tune in for more child-ranting when I bring you the segment called “Brand Name Babies” where I ruthlessly attack parents who name their children these vapid all-sound-the-same names in an attempt to seem fashionable. Case in point, 2002 saw several million little children named Tyler, Austin, Madison, Katelin, and assorted other Baby Brand names and nobody named their kid Bob or Deb.
::: posted by Mike at 10:43 AM
