Monday, November 11, 2002 :::
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know…Because The Man With The High Christ Quotient Told Me So.
Billy Graham was in town recently and traffic in the vicinity was bad. This speaks more about the sheer number of people who wanted attend the function than it does about the hopelessly obsolete infrastructure that our local campaigning political hopefuls were railing about. Texas Stadium was full of them, these people who wanted to hear the word of God from a man and in a place that promised something a little better than their local church’s house blend of the Spirit and the Word. This got me to thinking about me and about how my consumerism mindset makes it impossible for me to be regaled and enriched by serious God talkin’ that is transmitted through a 60,000 watt sound system. In a word: Ratings. I need ratings.
I think it’s high time we finally get our shit straight in this country and figure out a way to categorize and appraise our religious talent. Think about it for a moment. Who are the Yankees or the Red Sox most likely to award a multiyear contract for centerfield to, the guy who looks good in the uniform and can speak intelligently at a press conference, or the guy who can hit for average from any hole in the line up and is a category leader in OBP, RBI, and SB? Or what about a bank or credit card company. Who gets the loan or the preferred rate, the people who look like they can pay back the obligation, or the ones whose score the best against proven criteria. This kind of appraisal is at work all around you: in our financial instructions, in the entertainment industries, and even in the most personal areas of our lives. It’s everywhere…everywhere but religion.
We’ll call it a Christ Quotient. I don’t know precisely the intricate details of how we’d do this just yet, but so far I know that the higher your CQ the better your post. Higher CQ members of the clergy get the posh gigs like Pope, host of satellite-linked Televangelist programs, or Stadium Revival Preacher (including book sales, cable syndication, general merchandising). Those who sport lower CQ will be responsible for Christian Book Store opening ceremonies or missionary work in countries with perennially warring factions and a lot of flies. The lowest CQ holders will be assigned to deep-south Ku Klux Klan revivals, UHF Televangelism programs, and lobbying in Washington D.C.
Let’s say you study and graduate some type of program of practical theology (practical as opposed to theoretical theology that worships God a woman or that robot from Lost In Space- The DANGER WILL ROBINSON one- or experimental theology that uses the Hammer of the Heretics, science, to genetically engineer a clone Christ from DNA extracted from skin flakes taken from the Shroud of Turin). This gives you an initial CQ of 50. Not too bad…something to build on. Now you have your entire life in the clergy to improve your CQ. For example, here is a list of point additions and subtractions that could affect your CQ and possible job posts in the future:
: + : Proven ability to tie-in scripture to modern-day dilemmas and personal crisis: 5 points.
: + : Public speaking skills that challenge the worshiper’s pre-conceived notions, engaging them to consider the big picture of the Word: 11 points.
: + : Capped and extra-whitened teeth for that million dollar “God Loves You” smile: 3 points
: + : Your church hosts visions of The Virgin Mother: 100 points.
: + : Paying for hookers in Vegas and calling it a “study of human depravity”: -22 points.
: + : While counseling teens on the suicide hotline, only really trying to save the girls who “sound hot”: -9 points
: + : Recording sessions in the confessional or the Prayer-line and then weeding out the particularly juicy ones to digitally re-master and post on your anonymous “naughty preacher” website: - 14 points
: + : Living you life consistent with the teachings of The Lord Savior Jesus Christ: 8 points.
: + : Counseling worshipers in the way of God without strong-armed scaremongering and intimidation about burning naked in the center of a hell-lake of fire and agony: 62 points.
: + : Referring to Satan or Antichrist as one bad hombre: - 4 points.
: + : Being Jesse Jackson: -1,111.8 points
: + : Taking advantage of your position of trust and integrity by defiling children thereby robbing them of their innocence and then trying to hide behind the protection of the very institution whose name you are defaming: - all points = GAME OVER
These are just a few that come to mind. The official rulebook would cover a much broader range of point allowances and deductions such as social activism, taking the points against a non-secular team, trading on margin, the accusation of all things not affiliated with your beliefs as being cults, and many others.
The way I see it ratings are crucial. Many people put tremendous stock in how many stars a film has or the direction of expert thumbs yet they will put their eternal soul in the hands of any charlatan that comes along claiming to be a man of God, many times not even asking to see some ID.
A nationally adopted system of ratings will help put the common man at ease once again with the institutions that have alienated him for years. Ratings will bring better talent, better paying gigs, collective bargaining, and possibly churches with retractable roofs and digital quality sound systems for enhanced worshipper experience.
::: posted by Mike at 10:54 AM
